The Burly Unknown!

It’s not going to be entirely dramatic, because we laughed there.

It is.  And it is good.

This has been bothering me. Sitting on chair lifts gives you quite a bit of time to think about the Great Questions. My ponderings tend to slant towards the inane. Most are charitably lost in the ether, but this one has somehow stuck with me. So now I shall inflict it upon you, oh horrorshow readers.

Why Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” bothers me

1.  Ariel’s bone structure

A mermaid would not have the bone structure to survive in the full gravity environment of dry land.
She wouldn’t. Have you ever seen a beached whale? Yeah, they breath air, but you know what they do when they’re beached? They suffocate. A wheezing Ariel is neither cute nor kid-friendly.

2. Ursula
What is she? Some sort of mutant mermaid? At first glance, she appears to be octopus/human much like a mermaid is a fish/human. However, an Octopus has eight legs, and she clearly has six. This leads me to the conclusion that she is not an octopus/human hybrid, but a mutant human that can breath underwater and has six tentacles. This begs the question: how does she reproduce?  I would surmise that mermaids reproduce in the normal fish fashion given their fish/human setup. Given that Ursula is not a true octopus/human, I can only conclude the following:  Ursula has six vaginas. The traditional human setup is that genitalia are nestled between the legs.  It only follows that Ursula would have her genitalia in between each leg.  Do the math.  I have made a diagram to illustrate my confusion (and fascination?)

This is science.

I can only surmise that any biologically compatible suitor male would be diametrically equipped. While it would be neat to be your own sausage party, such a setup would leave you very vulnerable to attack. In the course of survival of the fittest, such a species would be culled in a very short time. The fact that there is only one such specimen in evidence in the entire movie only supports this hypothesis.

3. The excited Bishop.

This bishop clearly has a boner. I’ve given you a before and after picture to prove that this isn’t a mere wardrobe malfunction.

Before you get all higgledy piggledy on me, I’m well aware that this is one of Disney’s well-documented sexual gaffes. I just feel that I would be remiss if I left it out.

4.  Ariel is dumb.

She is.  In the song “Part of your World,” Ariel doesn’t know the words feet, street, and burn.  This is like saying a land-dweller wouldn’t know the words fins, water, and underwater exothermic burning.

Ridiculous.

5.  This castle is made of penises.

Again, another Disney sexual snafu.

There you have it.  Five reasons that Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” bothers me.

You may think that this blog post is of very limited value and I may agree with you.  Let’s just say I did it so I could tag this post with “boner”, “the little mermaid”, “vagina”, and “penis castle” and be done with it.