The Burly Unknown!

Oh.  My.  GOD!  Shoot it in the head!  Kill it with fire!

Perfect.

Tell me you didn’t almost puke when the guy on the couch made the Star Wars comment…

Summer in Telluride is chock full of festivals.  There are your music festivals like Telluride Jazz, Bluegrass Festival, and Blues & Brews.  There are film festivals like Telluride Film Festival and MountainFilm.  There are even some more unusual events like Mushroom Festival and Yoga Festival.

Amidst the clamor and bedlam is a festival that has come to be a local favorite:  Nothing Festival.  It was created in 1991 by a local resident who was fed up with all the traffic and tourists that all of the above festivals bring to Telluride.  He submitted a letter to the city manager requesting a non-festival permit, and thus Nothing Festival was born.

Activities include:

• Sunrises and Sunsets as normal
• Gravity will continue to be in effect.
• The earth’s rotation will be increased to add a few thrills.
• The laws of physics will be on display.
• Duct Tape Seminar: How to defeat weapons of mass destruction for under $10.
• The art of mogul making. How we use old Volkswagens.
• Sense of humor search.
• T-Shirts on sale.The Telluride Nothing Festival

The grand finale for the nothing festival was last night.  A bunch of folks gathered at local watering holes and proceeded to get out of their minds.  They then convened at the traffic circle at the end of town, donned the official uniform of nothing festival (nothing), and proceeded through towns on bikes.  Buck naked.  About a thousand people turned out on main street to witness the jiggly promenade.  I may or may not have participated in said naked bike ride.

Thank you for not participating.

p.s.  Does anyone recognize that handsome devil on the left?  Ahhh… the majesty of a perfectly symmetrical butt.

DISCLAIMER: Any legal recourse taken by anyone even remotely related to this post is their own damn fault.  I do not represent AT&T or T-Mobile.  I don’t represent that this will work for you.  It just worked for me.

1. Buy an iPhone and sign up for the two year contract - save your receipt
2. Move to an area that AT&T doesn’t cover*. This is not difficult. Pretty much anywhere out west (barring Cali) will suffice.  Or send it to me.  I will use your phone out of area.
3. Wait for AT&T to call you to drop your service. This will take 3-5 months.
4. Get indignant on the phone when they call to inform you that you are being dropped. Try to cry.  Get all snooty about your “$300 piece of junk” that still functions as an iPod touch (and at the same price).
   They will give you a check for the price of your iPhone from AT&T. They will also drop your AT&T contract with no charge.
5. Do the gloat dance.  This is very important.
6. Call t-mobile. Sign up for their special deal. This is 1000 minutes, free nights and weekends, unlimited data and text. This is a little less than $60. Compare this to your $100 minimum phone bill from AT&T and laugh maniacally. Now calm down.  Now laugh again.**
7. Instead of paying $9.99 for a SIM card from t-mobile, get a free phone. I recommend the Motorola Motozine. It retails at $350. You will get this for free. It costs nothing. Hence my overuse of the word “free.” Free.
8. Jailbreak your iPhone and unlock it.*** While you’re at it, download the NES emulator and 79 free Nintendo games. Then download the video camera app for iPhone. You will need these to make your friends extra jealous.  Every time you see someone playing “Solitaire” or “Breakout” on their phones, bust out with Contra.
9. Replace your iPhone SIM with the SIM you got from t-mobile. Port your number over by calling the t-mobile porting service. This is also free.
10. Sell your brand spanking new t-mobile phone on ebay. The “buy it now” price for the zine is around $275.00.
11. Put your boner away before someone sees it. Or don’t. Be extra smug about it.

Congratulations. You now love the smell of your own farts.

*This doesn’t necessarily mean areas with no cell phone coverage.  This just means areas with no AT&T coverage.  Most AT&T plans come with free domestic roaming.  This means that if you are in ANYONE’s cell tower coverage area within the US, AT&T pays for any roaming charges resulting from you not being within range .  See the map above.

**Seriously, stop it.  Ok keep going.

***  This is ridiculously easy.  I’m hugely intimidated by technology and I did it in about half an hour with no fuss or holdups.  NB:  These instructions are for the iPhone 3G.  At the time of this writing, there was no jailbreak/unlock instructions for the 3GS.

Hello website,

I hope you enjoyed my trip to Colombia.  I sure did.  I learned a lot about my self.  I learned that, when confronted by danger or stressful situations, deep down all I want to do is vomit on my shoes.

I edited out the footwear puke scenes, so enjoy this sexy Colombia compilation video.

Colombia - So sexy… from David on Vimeo.

Was awesome.  A normal tradition that only Telluride manages to make wierd.  It was rad.  At about midnight on the 4th, there were a bunch of folks in silver suits shooting roman candles at each other.  This will be part of the Telluride Summer compilation video I’m making.  For now, please check out this awesome Greek tradition.

Greek Rocket War - More amazing videos are a click away