The Burly Unknown!

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything right now.  It is standalone awesome.

Ok, so I haven’t gotten much sleep.

But to my millions of adoring fans, I am sitting in the Ft. Lauderdale airport on my way to Medellin, Colombia.  Made infamous as the home town of Pablo Escobar, it is now the second largest city in Colombia behind Bogota.

Once again, I’m going with my “no plan” plan which worked out so marvelously during my trip to Central America.  So we’ll see how all of this works out.

Just watched the movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel.  The movie itself was pretty good, but what got me excited was the premise.  If you’re not familiar with the movie, here’s a brief rundown:

Carl Allen (Jim Carrey) is in a rut.  Ever since his divorce, he can’t seem to work up any enthusiasm for life.  He makes excuses to say “no” to everything.  He screens his friends phone calls and hides in his apartment.  After getting slammed by his best friend for missing his engagement party, he decides to go to a meeting of the “Yes People,” led by their charismatic Terence Stamp.  He makes a covenant with himself to say “yes” to all questions and agree to every proposition.

The rest of the movie is pretty predictable.  Carl goes on a living spree, getting into crazy hijinks and meeting a romantic interest blah blah blah.

Here’s what got me excited about the movie:  What if we did say “yes” to everything?  I know this isn’t practicable…but what if we said “yes” to all the things that were feasible and all propositions that were remotely doable?

I feel that most people I know are like pre-yes man Carl.  I know that when I ask people to do things with me, the answer is usually no (if they don’t screen my phone call in the first place, knowing that I’m probably going to ask them to get off the couch).  It is INFINITELY frustrating.  They are so increasingly complacent that they will use any excuse to not upset the status quo.  They will lie and lie to remain in their safety bubble.

These people are not living life.  They are merely passing the time until they die.  It is so easy to travel or just get out and do something fun or stupid or embarrasing or painful.  Just anything.  I just saw that you can fly to South America for around $20!  There is no excuse to not have an adventure regularly.

So go do something. Here are a couple of rules if you are really uncreative enough to think of something on your own.

1.  Ignore your TiVo or DVR.  That shit will be there tomorrow.

2.  Go streaking.

3.  Throw a rock at something.  See what happens.  Shake it up.

4.  Take a vacation to a foreign country.  ESPECIALLY if you don’t speak the language.  Don’t research it.

5.  Talk to someone who is different than you.  Their interests will differ from yours.  This is good.  I would be horrendously bored if I had to talk to someone just like me.

6.  Go somewhere you’re not supposed to.  Break into an abondoned building or a cemetary that is closed after dark.  I promise you it will be awesome.  If you get caught, it will be even awesomer.

7.  Don’t worry about looking cool.  Seriously.  Don’t.  Be a huge nerd.  Wear hot pink spandex if at all possible.

8.  Get excited about things.  No matter how stupid it may seem.  This actually has a lot to do with #7.

9.  If you don’t like your job or what you’re doing, QUIT!  Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.  If you don’t like your job, I can guarantee you that there isn’t going to be some magical moment where it all becomes awesome.  It will just continue to beat you down until your expectations are so low that you will look forward to your American Idol and microwave pizza night every week.  Life is way too short!  I’m not waiting until I retire to enjoy my life, neither should you.

10.  If someone asks you to do something, say yes!  I don’t care if you don’t feel like it or if you have an early morning.  If you always say no, people will stop asking.  That’s when life will start to pass you by.

So those are the rules.  Grab life by the short and curlies and let fly a bloodcurdling scream.  You deserve it.

This is in no way a comprehensive list… obviously.  Feel free to lay down a few of your own in the comments section.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no….

Well that’s the most expensive six pack I ever bought…

This is from the failblog.

These are all absolutely true facts. If you believe this, I’ve been in contact with the son of a deposed Nigerian dictator who has a large sum of money available for any trustworthy soul willing to advance a small fee to get the wheels rolling.

I got this from Girl in the Middle, which is a great site in it’s own right.

Without further ado…AMAZING AND TRUE FACTS

• When placed in warm milk, raisins re-plump into grapes.
• The metal backs of iPods are made from recycled zippers.
• Eskimos don’t believe in bridges or tunnels.
• Every sixteen minutes, someone named Richard dies.
• Billy Bob Thornton’s grandfather was the first person to own a television.
• Dolphins kill more people annually than sharks and influenza combined.
• On a dare, former President Rutherford B. Hayes declared war on Chile for 17 minutes.
• The original title for Catcher in the Rye was Hey, Look, a Carousel!
• Professionals call the top socket on an electrical outlet the “Martha,” and the bottom socket the “Jasmine.”
• In the archives at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C., there are two identical snowflakes preserved in a freezer.
• Three out of every ten nickels has been in someone’s mouth.
• If you hold one nostril closed for 72 hours, you will slowly lose the ability to see color. (Your sight will instantly return to normal when you release your nostril.)
• Wave a magnet at the lower left corner of a vending machine to receive a free soda.
• The glossy paper from the backs of stickers can be used to soothe sunburn.
• To be a train conductor, you have to cut off one of your own toes during a loyalty ritual.
• The Z in Jay-Z’s name stands for “Zeppidemus.”
• Jean shorts were invented three weeks prior to the invention of regular jeans.
• Whispering instead of talking on cell phones saves significant battery power.
• In Austria, the traditional Christmas colors are not red and greed, but purple and clear.
• Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase “Baby Mama” in a satirical poem published in Poor Richard’s Almanac.
• If you take the first letter of each word in the Monopoly board game instruction manual, they spell out an X-rated sentence.
• The original name for the laptop computer was “Hinged Smart Slab.”
• The average person inhales 3 pounds of spider webs in his or her lifetime.
• When first introduced to the public, plastic laundry baskets cost $75 each.
• Winnie the Pooh started out as a non-fiction account of mental illness.
• Reading backwards for twenty minutes burns the same amount of calories as walking a half-mile.
• The Q in Q-tips stands for “quantum,” as the small bit of cotton on the tip contains more atoms than the entire human body.
• Revolving doors were first invented as a way to keep horses out of department stores.
• Peru and the moon weigh the same amount.
• Human beings and anteaters are the only animals that can snap their fingers.
• If you soak a baseball hat in coke, and then let it dry on someone’s head, over a 3-hour period the hat will shrink with skull-denting force, causing intense pain and irreparable damage.
• Clouds cannot travel south southwest.
• In sign language, there are 72 ways to say “drawbridge.”

This is Bo.  Yo.

My hats off to you Bo Burnham.  You have officially entered the Raw Steel and Sex Appeal Nerdery Hall of Fame (RSASANHOF), among such esteemed members as Ronald Jenkees.