The Burly Unknown!

This is me jumping off a cliff in San Marco. The entire lake was put on alert because my fat ass was likely ╗to create a tsunami and devastate the surrounding countryside… sigh.

Afterwards, I slammed eleven Mountain Dews and some XXXtreme Ranch Doritos because that’s what I do.

After the cold weather at Xela, I decided it was time for some sun. So I hopped a chicken bus to Lago de Atitlan. Lago de Atitlan is a high altitude lake surrounded by a dozen or so small towns, each with their own unique flavor. I heard San Pedro was the place to be, so I grabbed a boat and crossed the lake from Panajachel.

It’s hard to describe the hostel scene here and equally difficult to really paint a picture of the town, so here is a video I took starting from just around the corner from my hostel (Jarachik) to the rooftop terrace overlooking the lake. P.S. a bed for the night is around $4.50 and I heartily recommend the nachos.

I´m breathing so hard in the video because my manly bear lungs want to kick as much Guatemalan air molecule ass as possible. I figure at this point I´ve breathed about two-thirds of the air molecules in Guatemala. Once I´ve breathed all the air here, I´m headed to Honduras to drink all the fresh water.

San Pedro is very tourist friendly, which is ok in its own way, but it means that everyone is partying pretty much all the time. I’m hugely susceptible to peer pressure, so I ended up going out every night I was there. I had to escape to San Marco across the lake, which is a much more relaxed atmosphere.

I entered this trip with no preconcieved notions whatsoever, but I was still astounded by Xela.  It is a colonial town dominated by neo-classical architecture situated in the Guatemalan highlands (about the same altitude as Denver).  The town center is beautiful.

Apparently this was the place to be for the independence day celebration because it was fully hopping.  We partied our butts off there.

There was also a fair going on right outside of town (”la feria” in Spanish).  Which leads me to one of my favorite things about Guatemala:  stall food.  Stall food is anything from pizza to french fries to tacos and is super cheap.  For less than $1, you get a leg of chicken and fries and it is delicious.

Anyhow, I really wanted to ride one of the rides at the fair, but the lines were about an hour long for something like the swinging pirate ship.  It would have been awesome (and safe) to have ridden a Guatemalan fair ride, but my time is precious.  Instead, I took a video, which is practically the same thing… right?

I want you to pay attention to how fast the ferris wheel was going.  It looks terrifying.

Next time eh?

After Antigua and Pacaya, I decided to head over to Quetzaltenango (kindly shortened to “Xela” by the locals) for the independence day celebration. So I grabbed a buddy and we went in search of the infamous chicken buses. Now there are several ways to getting around Guatemala (private shuttles, nice buses called Pullmans), but the chicken buses are the bomb diggity if you want to travel on the cheap and experience the local culture (the Guatemalans here think it’s hilarious when Gringos travel this way).

So we packed ourselves into the bus and went to our connection at Chimaltenango (no kind abbreviation for this one) where my buddy promptly discovered she lost her wallet on the bus. She went tearing down the street in search of the bus we were on. She actually found the bus, but had no luck with the wallet. Thank God for fraud protection, because the list of things put on her credit card afterwards was hilarious:

• $50 at Burger King
• $200 at a grocery store
• Something like $1200 at a bike store (this one was rejected)

The conversation her mom had with the AmEx lady went something like this:

Mom: Hi, I’d like to cancel a credit card please. It was lost.

AMEX lady: No problem, we’ll just need to last four digits of the card to cancel it.

Mom: Well, it’s stolen, so I don’t have the last four digits of the card.

AMEX: Well, there’s really nothing I can do unless I have the last four digits.

Mom: I’m telling you that I don’t have the card and therefore don’t have the last four digits.

AMEX: Sorry but…

Mom: Well, is there any way we can take a look at the most recent transactions?

AMEX: Ok, well there’s a $50 charge for Burger King, a $200 charge at… oh wait, there’s a fraud alert on this card!

Mom: No s%$ that’s why I’m asking you to cancel it

….

Well, I thought it was funny…

Fire = fun

Therefore Pacaya=Fun!

Sept 11.

Today I joined up with some folks and went to Vulcan Pacaya. It was a little over an hour away from Antigua via twisting mountain roads populated entirely by Guatemalan drivers that drive like complete maniacs. I found myself leaning into the turns and willing the shuttle to not capsize after our driver overtook about his tenth driver on a blind curve.

Against all odds, we arrived at the foot of the volcano in one piece. When I was done weeping with gratitude that I was still alive, we began our ascent of the volcano. There were a bunch of Guatemalan children selling sticks for about 5 Quetzales (around $0.80) which turned out to be a godsend given my crummy knees. After an hour or so of hiking, we arrived at the top. It was freaking unbelievable. There we were, standing about 10 feet away from a lava flow, like it was no big deal. You always see the people on TV near lava flows, but it doesn´t prepare you for how hot it is. Standing 10 feet away from a lava flow is almost unbearable.

Here is me being all ruggedly handsome. You can see my nipples through my shirt. Enjoy!

Here is some lava. It comes from volcanos. I climbed a volcano to get to this lava, braving near certain death for your entertainment. I hope you are entertained.

This is a scree field that we got to jump down. It was rad. I was, like, the fastest and bravest person to do this.

Someone once told me that volcanoes are dangerous. I didn’t believe them. I honestly think that the volcano should be afraid of me. To prove my point, I poked it with a stick, just because I’m tough like that. You have no idea how painful it was to do this.

So after I left off on my last post so unceremoniously Wednesday morning, I jumped on the plane and was immediately befriended by a Guatemalan couple on their way back home. They were super duper nice and gave me their contact information in case I needed any advice (thanks Fernando and Thelma!). Now usually when I’m traveling, I kind of have my back up. I’m always suspicious of kind gestures and whatnot. Let me tell you, this is not the case in Guatemala. I’m really falling in love with the people and countryside here. Anyhow, after I landed in Guatemala City, I hopped on a shuttle to Antigua. I shared a bus with an Israeli, an Aussie, and an American living in Panajachel.

Antigua is a ridiculous town. It is situated in the central mountains in Guatemala and surrounded by active volcanos. The first thing that struck me is the large amount of uniformed school children here. Guatemala’s independence day is August 15th, so all of the school kids are practicing their parades. Every street is packed with kids playing the drums, horns, and xylophones. It’s a really festive atmosphere. Anyhow, that’s it for my first post. This took me FOREVER and I’m freaking tired of being on the computer. I’m on vacation for god’s sake. My next post will be about hiking up an active volcano outside of Antigua. I promise that one will be more entertaining.

Here begins the epic of Dave. The opening chapter in my South/Central American odyssey.

My original intention for this trip was to start in the northern part of South American or the southern part of Central America and attempt to make it down all the way to Patagonia. However, the more people I speak to and the more I read about this area of the world leads me to believe that this strategy may be untenable.

If you had spoken to me at any time in the past few months as this idea was percolating, you are well aware of my “no plan” plan, which works out beautifully. In other words, since there is no plan, I’m not really disappointed by the fact that the situation has somewhat dictated my course of action.

In short, I’m a genius for not researching this trip well and getting my expectations up for things that I wouldn’t be able to do. Or I’m a procrastinator. Whichever. Don’t you freaking judge me.

So here’s my tentative short term “no plan” for the next few days as I see it from my pleather chair in the Ft. Lauderdale airport:

I arrive in Guatemala City today around noonish. From there, I’m traveling directly to Antigua without touring the city at all. From all available accounts, Guatemala City appears somewhere between the sixth and seventh layer of hell.

Whoops. Flight is boarding. More later. Peace out!

Here’s a fun little thing you can do to your friends on a slow afternoon. You can do it via text, instant messenger, email, etc. Any kind of text based communication where confusion is easy. Or smoke signals. Just because.

Below is an actual transcript with my roommate. This may seem silly to you, but I derive no end of pleasure from these kinds of things. I am simply tickled pink.

Me: dude, i just accidentally a whole coke bottle, is this bad?

Roomie: ??? accidentally what a coke bottle?

Me: a coca cola bottle

Roomie: your first text makes no sense. “dude, i just accidentally a coke bottle… is this bad?”. What did you do accidentally to a coke bottle?

Me: dude, the whole bottle!!

Roomie: I hate you. Where is your verb? Use your verbs.

Me: i was messing around, and i had a coca cola bottle, and I accidentally the whole damn thing.

Roomie: I hate you… on purpose.

Me: oh shit, i just reread the sent texts. i’m typing the word, but it’s not sending it, weird.

Roomie: sure sure, is the word “fellated”

Me: no dude. i rode my bike to the park, and coke was having some sort of promotion. they were giving out those old school glass bottles.

Roomie: and…

Me: when i got home, i accidentally the whole bottle.

Roomie: Again, i hate you… i am going to assume you said broke

Me: no dude, when you and then the whole bottle.

Roomie: get on gmail

Me: the internet is down

Roomie: Liar!!

Me: i swear. anyways, the bottle is, it’s safe to say

Roomie: ha sweet

Me: no dude, not sweet, i effing the whole bottle.

At this point he caught on. I had an awesome time while it lasted though. I fished that first text out to around 10 people before my roommate bit. The result is pure gold.

I know this is a parody, but I think they’re on to something…