The Burly Unknown!

No male version of this.  Maybe if I just wear Big Johnson t-shirts and drive a mustang…

It is.  And it is good.

Hello readers.  I have some news.  Many of you will not like it.  Several of you will probably just stop whatever you’re doing, walk out the door, and never return, somnambulant in your purposelessness.

There are several things you take for granted in this life:  the earth is round, the sky is blue, bears on motorcycles are funny and sad.  I’m afraid I’ve taken one of these certainties from you. 

David no longer has a beard.

…

Take a moment to breath.

Now that you’ve calmed down some (those of you who haven’t wandered off in a spate of bleakness), I’m here to inform you of several things:

My chin is effing awesome.  Or should I say, “chins.”  The only thing better than having a majestically sculpted and splendidly masculine chin is having a multitude of them.  All of this time, beneath the concealing cloak of luxurious facial hair, my chin has been breeding.  Now there is an entire family of chins adorning the southern hemisphere of my terrible dome.  I can only suspect that my chins have been plotting an entire takeover of my person, thus resulting in a body where chins can come and go as they please, never to be terrorized again by pimple-popping fingers or snot-flinging noses.

While I admire their grim purpose and courage, the chin rebellion has been brutally repressed. 

Another new development is that I look to be around 14.  I rarely carry identification with me in Telluride, and so far this week, I’ve been turned away from two bars and a liquor store.*

The clerk at the liquor store even went so far as to make fun of me.  Awesome.  Look who’s laughing when I’m 58 and look 55 AHAHHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA (sob).

Third development: I am very aerodynamic.  Almost too much so.  My face actually tends to pull my body along now by virtue of it’s own sleekness, whether or not I want to go anywhere.  I can actually levitate by merely turning my face upward. 

Fourth:  My facial hair grows incredibly slow.  Dammit.  It may have been the slash and burn technique I used to put down the chin rebellion. 

* After leaving the liquor store, one of the customers who witnessed my cash register humiliation tried to console me by telling me how he used to get turned down trying to buy liquor underage.  Needless to say, he did not survive the encounter.

Tell me you didn’t almost puke when the guy on the couch made the Star Wars comment…

DISCLAIMER: Any legal recourse taken by anyone even remotely related to this post is their own damn fault.  I do not represent AT&T or T-Mobile.  I don’t represent that this will work for you.  It just worked for me.

1. Buy an iPhone and sign up for the two year contract - save your receipt
2. Move to an area that AT&T doesn’t cover*. This is not difficult. Pretty much anywhere out west (barring Cali) will suffice.  Or send it to me.  I will use your phone out of area.
3. Wait for AT&T to call you to drop your service. This will take 3-5 months.
4. Get indignant on the phone when they call to inform you that you are being dropped. Try to cry.  Get all snooty about your “$300 piece of junk” that still functions as an iPod touch (and at the same price).
   They will give you a check for the price of your iPhone from AT&T. They will also drop your AT&T contract with no charge.
5. Do the gloat dance.  This is very important.
6. Call t-mobile. Sign up for their special deal. This is 1000 minutes, free nights and weekends, unlimited data and text. This is a little less than $60. Compare this to your $100 minimum phone bill from AT&T and laugh maniacally. Now calm down.  Now laugh again.**
7. Instead of paying $9.99 for a SIM card from t-mobile, get a free phone. I recommend the Motorola Motozine. It retails at $350. You will get this for free. It costs nothing. Hence my overuse of the word “free.” Free.
8. Jailbreak your iPhone and unlock it.*** While you’re at it, download the NES emulator and 79 free Nintendo games. Then download the video camera app for iPhone. You will need these to make your friends extra jealous.  Every time you see someone playing “Solitaire” or “Breakout” on their phones, bust out with Contra.
9. Replace your iPhone SIM with the SIM you got from t-mobile. Port your number over by calling the t-mobile porting service. This is also free.
10. Sell your brand spanking new t-mobile phone on ebay. The “buy it now” price for the zine is around $275.00.
11. Put your boner away before someone sees it. Or don’t. Be extra smug about it.

Congratulations. You now love the smell of your own farts.

*This doesn’t necessarily mean areas with no cell phone coverage.  This just means areas with no AT&T coverage.  Most AT&T plans come with free domestic roaming.  This means that if you are in ANYONE’s cell tower coverage area within the US, AT&T pays for any roaming charges resulting from you not being within range .  See the map above.

**Seriously, stop it.  Ok keep going.

***  This is ridiculously easy.  I’m hugely intimidated by technology and I did it in about half an hour with no fuss or holdups.  NB:  These instructions are for the iPhone 3G.  At the time of this writing, there was no jailbreak/unlock instructions for the 3GS.

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything right now.  It is standalone awesome.

This is Bo.  Yo.

My hats off to you Bo Burnham.  You have officially entered the Raw Steel and Sex Appeal Nerdery Hall of Fame (RSASANHOF), among such esteemed members as Ronald Jenkees.

There are like nine birthdays coming up in my family in the next couple of weeks.  This counts as a gift right?

For your reading edification, a haiku.

Haikus can make sense
But they don’t always have to
Refrigerator

So I just took a position as a night auditor of a hotel here in Telluride.  I feel like the Batman of accountants.  Or a nerdy mastermind criminal… you know, the ones that get names coined for themselves replete with capital letters, like the Zodiac Killer, or the Green River Killer.

If you’re not good and don’t eat all your veggies, the Night Auditor will sneak in to your house in the middle of the night and balance your checkbook!