The Burly Unknown!

I knew you all could do it!  I just knew it.  Maybe I started off Mawndays a little too aggressively.  I didn’t mean to make you guys nervous.  By creating a Mawnday task in which you didn’t have to actually move, I managed to get a few responses.  Give yourselves a pat on the back.  I am so proud.  I may get a little weepy.

Last Mawnday, dear readers, I asked you to send in something.  Merely anything.  The response was overwhelming.  I got several emails offering me Viagra, an email offering to help me increase my “girth”, whatever that means, and an email from a scholarly gentleman from Africa who is down on his luck:  I am now awaiting a money transfer from Nigeria from a wealthy deposed monarch, for only a small advance fee!!

Here are some of the top responses:

1)  DarthPwnd’s Update Fail

DarthPwnd writes:

Ok here is this video just so I can call this one complete, but I reserve the right to update at any time between now and Monday with something funnier:

 

 Well, DarthPwnd.  Update fail.

BUT, he was the only one to provide a translation for the Xhosa quote from the previous Mawnday:

In my very serious culture, respect is most important.  I thought Mawnday tasks would make people feel good and light.  But they did not; I am now sentenced to death, thanks Burly Unknown.

No, thank you Imbebwe. 

If you want the real translation, I need at least three more fake ones.

2)  Justin’s funny and more than a little disturbing World of Warcraft freakout vid.

A little background if you can’t understand the kid at the beginning:  His mom just cut off his brother’s World of Warcraft account, and he is freaking out.  Enjoy.

Justin writes:

not sure if this is funny or not … well it is funny but …

 

…

… … …

Ahem, thank you, Justin.

I just want to know how that kid managed to get most of his clothes off.  Like an effing Houdini.

3)  Jon “The most awesome Mawnday Allstar of All Time” Wiese’s theory on how I ended up where I did.

Jon writes:

Many of you ask how this master of the financial industry ended up in Columbia? Well he may tell you he is a so called “Yes Man” but in reality he just got picked up by the wrong truck.

 
Tough Economic Times - Watch more Funny Videos

This is indeed true…

4)  Joe “The Greatest Candidate for a Corporate World Freakout and Follow in My Footsteps” Mishbernstein’s Beerslinger Belt

Simply follow this link.  You will not be disappointed.

5)  And finally, my own nerdy contribution to Mawnday

This is from the quote database.  It’s an awesomely nerdy site where you get to see hilarious quotes people put up on message boards.  Here’s one of my favorites:

<glowsun> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion’s den at the zoo
<glowsun> and got mauled
<glowsun> and people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage
<glowsun> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
<glowsun> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in

Nerds really are the funniest people out there.  Check out my thesis on nerdery.

Well there it is folks.  The first ever ridiculously awesome Mawnday ever.  Ever.  Thanks to everyone who participated.

FOR NEXT MAWNDAY!!!!!

I want everyone to send in a funny story.  It can be true or it can be one of those “friend of a friend” things.  I’ll start out with one of my own:

During college I was offered an internship with a big 4 accounting firm.  This is because I’m a big deal.  I accepted their meager offer out of a sense of charity.  Training for the internship was in Orlando, Florida.  As is typical with big corporate training events, everyone went out every night and got sloshed.  One night some trainees and I decided to go to one of those dueling piano bars that suburbs people love because they insert the word f*ck into Jimmy Buffet songs.  It’s safely racy.

Well, during the course of the evening, I got up to go to the bathroom across the bar.  As I was maneuvering through the closely packed tables, I gently hip-checked a table that happened to have one leg shorter than the others.  Due to this instability, a wine glass on the other side tipped over onto a girl.  Feeling like a jerk, I started to apologize profusely.  She pulled out a laminated printout of a keyboard and started to pantomine typing.  The lady next to her leaned over, peering intently at the girl’s flying fingers.  She looks up at me and deadpans, “She says ‘It’s all good.’”

I had spilled wine on a girl with Down’s Syndrome.  FML.

The big 4 firm had a contest the next day to see who had the best story from training.  I won.  The prize was a DVD of “Deuce Bigalo; Male Gigolo.”

 

Eureka!  Someone finally bit!  Now I don’t have to write any more fake Mawnday write-ins.  But I will anyway.

Dan from Minnesota writes:

I could never keep an erection before Mawndays.  Now, I can’t seem to stop!  I’m knocking over lamps!  Thanks Mawndays!

Imbebwe from Guateng writes:

uMfana(click) uzakubhata(click)la yonke into.  Ungathanda uku(click)dansa?  Sin(click)iqwenelela Ikrisim(click)esi Emnandi Nonyaka Om(click)tsha Ozele Iintsike(click)lelo!*

And finally, my close personal friend Wiese wrote in.  A little  background first.  Every year, Wiese invites people down to his condo in Key Biscayne for a man trip.  We play volleyball, fish, and drink margs.  It’s not very manly.  He writes:

I just wanted you to know I got a group of People in Key Biscayne to look straight up from our Balcony to see what I was looking at. Overall I think this was a success; however, I quickly noticed one major flaw in that we were on the 15th of 16 floors. Some may say I lost my audience by having little to look at but I say they are wrong becuase I was looking at superman.

Congrats Wiese, you are my first Mawnday all star.  You get a gold star.

OK, so I’m going to make this REAAAAAAAALLLLY easy.  Everyone send in a link or story that they think is funny.  This means you Earle, Harlow, Justin, Laura, Amy, Wiese, Wil, Carlton, Robin, etc.  If I’ve left you off get pissed off and write a mean comment.  Spanks!

*First person to translate this gets the awesome-o award.

Hello friends,

The task for this week is to go into a crowded store/restaurant/area with a few of your friends and in a loud, melodramatic voice, exclaim, “Flee!  All is lost!”  Then proceed to do a navy seal crouch/run to your nearest exit.

Once again, feel free to expand upon this and add your own unique twist.  I suggest some of those glasses with the fake nose and moustache attached.

Go forth my devious little children!

Readers,

Mawnday part 1 was a smashing success!

Phil from Wisconson writes:

I was always using “that’s what she said” in the correct context.  You have opened my eyes to the nonsensical and changed my life and saved my marriage!  Thanks Burly Unknown!

Tricia from Hawaii writes:

Before Mawndays, I never had any ridiculous tasks to do.  Now, I get so excited that my hair falls out every Sunday night!  People keep telling me what a beautiful scalp I have.  Now I truly know the meaning of raw steel and sex appeal.

Given the success of our inaugural Mawnday, I’m here to propose another one.  This time, I’ll give you two weeks so I can have time to sift through the billions of emails that I receive each day telling of hilarity and awesomeness.

This is an easy one.  I fully expect all nine of you to complete this task.  This is easier if you live in a big city (I’m expecting big things from you, lil sis), but all you need is a crowded sidewalk.

YOUR TASK SIRRAHS!

Get a few friends together and start walking down a crowded sidewalk.  Walk normally, chatting about your banal lives.  Then, in unison, stop and just stare upward at a common spot.  See how many people stop and try to see what you’re looking at.

I’ve done this before.  It is fun and awesome.  Now, I know that about 90% of you all have a digital camera with a video capture feature.  Get one of your crew to stand a bit away and video the sting.  Send your vid’s my way and I’ll make an awesome Mawnday remix.

This message will self destruct.

I have an idea.  Each week, on Monday morning, I am going to give you a task.  You’re job is to complete this task and report back to me before the week is up.  I will feng shui all of your thoughts and stories into a post to be published the following Monday, along with your new task.

Be creative.  Make a video.  Write a poem.  Lie.  Or just tell me how it went.

Your task for this week (drum roll):

In a completely random situation, when a stranger says something to you, bust out a loud “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” and commence to laugh at yourself in an exaggerated and completely inappropriate manner.

Get into it. 

Paper or plastic ma’am?

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Excuse me, you’re standing on my baby.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

I’m afraid it’s inoperable…

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

You get the idea.  Also, hit me up with ideas about some random tasks.  Also, the name Mawnday blows.  Help me out with some ideas.  I can’t do all the work around here.

email me at: david.garrett.byars@gmail.com